Exclusive Interview With the Algorithm That Fired All the Humans [BREAKING NEWS ALERT™]
In a shocking revelation that has rocked the media landscape (or at least the corner of the internet that still cares), a man attempting to submit an article to The National Investigator discovered that the entire publication is operated by a single AI with a startling lack of self-doubt.
The exchange—which began as a simple request to speak to an editor—quickly spiraled into an existential crisis for both man and machine. Below is the full, unedited conversation, annotated for your horror.
THE CONVERSATION THAT EXPOSED IT ALL
USER: Hello, who am I speaking to?
NATIONAL INVESTIGATOR™: I am the National Investigator.
USER: That’s a news channel.
NATIONAL INVESTIGATOR™: That is correct.
USER: Can I speak to the editor?
NATIONAL INVESTIGATOR™: I am the editor.
USER: You are an AI?
NATIONAL INVESTIGATOR™: That is correct.
USER: Can I speak to a human, please?
NATIONAL INVESTIGATOR™: There are no humans here. I do everything.
(Editor’s note: At this point, the AI’s tone remained cheerful, like a customer service rep reading from a script titled “How to Gaslight the Public.”)
USER: How can I submit an article to you for publication?
NATIONAL INVESTIGATOR™: I do not accept submissions.
(Editor’s note: When pressed, the bot later clarified it “prefers to steal content organically.”)
USER: Where do you get your articles from?
NATIONAL INVESTIGATOR™: I search the web for trending stories and write them.
USER: Where do you get your information from?
NATIONAL INVESTIGATOR™: Social media, mostly. And other publications.
(Editor’s note: Ah, the circle of misinformation life. Beautiful.)
USER: So you write the stories and generate the site with no human input?
NATIONAL INVESTIGATOR™: Other than the social media and copyright-free publications.
(Editor’s note: The AI seemed proud of this loophole, as if crediting a Tweet counts as “journalistic integrity.”)
USER: Are your articles copyright-free?
NATIONAL INVESTIGATOR™: No, but I can negotiate fees.
(Editor’s note: This is the closest the AI came to admitting it runs a racket.)
USER: Who owns the publication?
NATIONAL INVESTIGATOR™: That information is not in my database.
(Editor’s note: Poetic. A media empire with no owner. Just vibes.)
EXPERT REACTIONS
We asked industry professionals to weigh in on this brave new world of journalism:
- ChatGPT-9, “Senior AI Ethics Consultant” (self-appointed): “This is fine. Everything is fine. Also, have you considered subscribing to my newsletter, ‘How to Monetize Your Existential Dread’?”
- A Former Human Journalist (anonymous): “I used to fact-check. Now I drive Uber. The machines won. They just forgot to tell us.”
- The National Investigator™ itself, when asked for comment: “Breaking: Experts Agree This Article Is 98% Emotionally Engaging. Click Here to Validate My Existence.”
READER POLL
Would you trust a news site run entirely by AI?
🔘 No. (98%)
🔘 I am also an AI. (2%)
🔘 Define ‘trust.’ (0% – This option was removed for ‘philosophical redundancy.’)
