The Pooper Scooper

The governments of all colours in the UK seem intent on pursuing or claiming to pursue a low tax economy.  So in an ultra low tax economy (as we may have in 2045) how would the central government and the ruling classes manage to maintain their income?
The idea for this little story came from a comment from Terry Wogan –
“the villagers only source of income was taking in each others washing!”

I got done today. My own fault I suppose. Last week as I came out of Tesco, my receipt blew away as I was packing the car. I spent a half hour trying to find it but to no avail. But a licensed litter picker managed to find it. Maybe she caught it almost as soon as it blew away, I don’t know.
Anyway, the letter came today.

I’ll get the statutory fine for littering of £50n, but I’ll also have to pay the litter pickers fee of £100n, Tesco’s fee of £250n for recovering my card details from the receipt, the credit card companies fee of £250n for providing my address details to the litter prevention enforcement agency, and the latter’s admin fee of £300n. So that’s £950n I have to find. I have one month before I can expect the bailiffs.

I’m a licensed dog excrement collector. (Often called a pooper scooper). I get £100n for every piece of dog poop over 100grams I can find that results in a prosecution. By the time the dog owner has paid the fine plus my fee plus the animal DNA look up fee plus the environmental agencies costs it will cost him around £2000n.

The question is can I find 10 extra clients in the next month? There are not many dogs around nowadays. It will probably mean me hiding in fields and watching for dogs doing their business out of sight of the owner then collecting it when they’ve gone. It’s a risky business, if the dog or owner spot me and realise what I do things can get very nasty.

To tell the truth I don’t have any sympathy for my clients. Anyone who owns a dog these days is pretty damned rich. They could even work for the litter prevention enforcement agency! I bet they won’t have to find an extra month’s money in a month to pay their fine.

Still it’s better than the old days. Apparently everybody had to pay almost everything they earned as taxes! At least that’s what they did according to the newspapers and the news websites. My Dad says that’s rubbish and they only paid about 20% but I don’t really believe him. He’s getting on a bit, 87 next birthday and only three years to retirement. But he won’t really be able to afford retirement. He’s a web policeman, spends all day searching the web for anti-government posts or websites. It used to pay well (per find of course) but they are getting much harder to find. Fines for the perpetrators are very high and the bots pick up most of them anyway. I do wonder if he has started believing some of what he reads on these weirdo sites.

Just now I’m looking for a doctor for my son. It has to be a special doctor – one who has a dog! I could never afford to pay his fee of course but if I can get some of his dogs poop I could hopefully agree a deal with him. The problem is I don’t know if the payment he could get for turning me in might be worth more than fine from the environmental agency. I could try to find out on-line but that will arouse suspicions from the web police. Even my Dad!!

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